April Fools Round Up


The Guardian announces that after 188 years of ink on paper, it's decided to become the first newspaper in the world to be published exclusively through the internet messaging service, Twitter.

The Sun found Moses' staff in central London, and the Daily Telegraph reports on a plan to harness energy from the movements of fish in our rivers.

The paper says a research project has found that a salmon swimming less than a quarter of a mile can generate enough energy to make 18 cups of tea.

The giveaway is that the research has been carried out by a certain Gavin Roach.

My favourite moment of excitement followed by disappointment was when I spotted these gems on firebox.com: SatNav Shoes, iREMember Dream Recorder, Piss Up In A Brewery and Powdered Beer.  All of which, to my mind at least seem vaguely credible!


Computer Tech Support


This should make you feel better about your computer skills! 


Tech support:   What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer:   A white one...


Customer:   Hi, this is Celine . I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support:  Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer:  Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support:   That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer:  No , wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....


Tech support:   Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:  Your left or my left?


Tech support:   Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer:   Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start'  for me and...
Customer:  Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


Customer:   Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.  I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


Customer:  I have problems printing in red..
Tech support:   Do you have a color printer?
Customer:  Aaaah....................thank you.


Tech support:   What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:   A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.


Customer:   My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support:  Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:  No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:   Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:!   OK
Tech support:   Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:  Yes
Tech support:  That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer:  Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work...


Tech support:   Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer:  Is that 7 in capital letters ?


Customer:   can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:  Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:  Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support:   Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:  Five stars.


Tech support:   What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:  Netscape.
Tech support:  That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer:   Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


Customer:    I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


Tech support:   How may I help you?
Customer:  I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support:   OK,  and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:  Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support:  Are you running it under windows?
Customer:  'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.  The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his  printer is working fine.'


And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer:  I don't have a P.
Tech support:  On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer:   What do you mean?
Tech support:  'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.


New Boots!


An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to New Mexico.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me'?

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'


'Nope', she replied.


Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert....  Shoulda bought a hat.'


News Item


A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. 

A spokesman for the channel said:


"A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour... but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do"



A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'